Calling All Contestants!

I was watching Miss USA a little on Sunday night. I enjoy viewing these pageants for a few reasons: 1) I like to make fun of the: too-much make-up faces, fake boobs, stupid answers, baton-twirling talent portion, etc., 2) I want to see if they mess up, and 3) I like to cheer for the brunettes and short-haired girls (sorry, blondes, if there are any real ones out there).

In light of the fact that I'll never win that crown, nor would I ever have had the chance, what with my freckles, 5'3" height, and never-braced teeth, I am proposing a real-women pageant.

Preliminary Competition: The contestants are chosen to represent their states via the following point system: five points for each stretch mark, ten points for each size worn above size zero, and twenty points for each original body part (i.e. chest, hair color, eye color, teeth). The more points, the better.

RWP (Real Woman Pageant) Round One: Swimsuit competition: Each contestant will be given ten swimsuits in her size. She will proceed to try them all on, in a dressing room sans camera but equipped with a hanging microphone, and choose the one that she feels accentuates her positives, such as making her eyes look greener in hopes that the thighs look smaller. Points will be awarded for the most entertaining commentary while putting on the swimsuits and for the cutest flip flops (no high heels here with our swimwear!).

RWP Round Two: After being narrowed down to the top ten contestants, the women will don their evening down wear, as opposed to their evening gown wear. Sweat suits and pajamas will be showcased as each woman makes her way to the freezer to choose a pint of ice cream. The five women who finish their pints first will advance to the final round.

RWP Round Three: The question and answer segment will be hosted by three to eighteen year olds, who will proceed to interrogate the contestants on such things as why various things occur, why the kids can't do something, and how the family pet disappeared. After the intense interrogation, the winner will be crowned based upon who kept her cool the best and did not strike one of the children.

The crown will be made of macaroni glued together with Elmer's and decorated with sprinkles.

Donald Trump? Want to sponsor this?