Tell-tale Signs My Body is Getting Older

1. When I ate a Costco Polish sausage last week for lunch, I burped it the rest of the day. It did not taste good coming back up in vaporous form.

2. I can no longer drink a Dr. Pepper after three o'clock in the afternoon, or I will not sleep at night.

3. My shoulder hurts. My back hurts. My knee hurts. My neck hurts. . .

4. I need to have bunion surgery. Well, maybe not yet. I just looked it up online, with before and after photos, and those feet are way more misshapen than mine.

5. When I eat fast food, I regret it for the next twenty-four hours that I spend in discomfort. The bathroom must be close.

6. Staying up all night means going to bed at ten.

7. I am going to have to start eating All-Bran for breakfast.

8. Metabolism? What is that? I lost that on my twenty-fifth birthday.

9. I want to use one of those motorized carts when I go to Wal-Mart (just so I can run people down).

10. I order cottage cheese instead of fries as a side.

11. I am saving for plastic surgery.

12. El Camino beans are not a good idea.

13. Ditto for uncooked broccoli.

14. Sit and Be Fit is looking like a great exercise program to follow.

15. Bedtime Activities: Sex=10% chance, Sleep=90% chance